lately things haven't worked out the way i thought they'd work out. i felt and thought that i was doing everything with God's blessing, but He has yet to bless me with the things that i'd hope for. i'm not being greedy or selfish. i really thought God was leading me some where, and that He was finally answering my prayers. but everything has gone to the shits. everything is for the worst, and i feel utterly betrayed by God.

but there was a verse today during worship that really challenged and almost taunted me. Jesus before his death said, "in your hands I commit my spirit". in what seemed like the ultimate act of betrayal, when God forsaked Jesus, Jesus responded by giving himself to God. not turning away.

i've tunred away, and it's hard forget about what Jesus said. i so badly want to turn away, but i also had this strange desire to, "commit my spirit" to God.

man i hate this.