lately things haven't worked out the way i thought they'd work out. i felt and thought that i was doing everything with God's blessing, but He has yet to bless me with the things that i'd hope for. i'm not being greedy or selfish. i really thought God was leading me some where, and that He was finally answering my prayers. but everything has gone to the shits. everything is for the worst, and i feel utterly betrayed by God.

but there was a verse today during worship that really challenged and almost taunted me. Jesus before his death said, "in your hands I commit my spirit". in what seemed like the ultimate act of betrayal, when God forsaked Jesus, Jesus responded by giving himself to God. not turning away.

i've tunred away, and it's hard forget about what Jesus said. i so badly want to turn away, but i also had this strange desire to, "commit my spirit" to God.

man i hate this.

to my only reader

so i rediscovered AW Tozer's "The Pursuit Of God," and here are some of my favorite quotes that always touch my heart and bring hope to my most hopeless days.

to begin, something that augustine said,

"Thou hast formed us for Thyself, and our hearts are restless till they find rest in Thee."

Tozer

"We can exaggerate about many things; but we can never exaggerate our obligation to Jesus or the compassionate abundance of the love of Jesus to us."

"God must do everything for us. Our part is to yield and trust."

chapter 3 pg 28

For it was just at this juncture, when he had been at Drainside only a few weeks, that the dreaded blow fell, and the one he loved with great love seemed lost to him forever. For two long years he had hoped and waited. The very uncertainty of the future made him long the more for her presence, her companionship through all changes. But now the dream was over. Seeing that nothing could dissuade her friend form his missionary purpose, the young music teacher-with her sweet face and lovely voice-made it plain at last that she was not prepared to go to China. Her father would not hear of it nor did she feel fitted for such a life. This could mean but one thing, through the heart that loved her best was well-nigh broken.

"Is it all worth while?" urged the tempter. "Why should you go to China, after all? Why toil and suffer all your life for an ideal of duty? Give it up now, while you can yet win her. Earn a proper living like everybody else, and serve the Lord at home. For you can win her yet."
Love pleaded hard. It was a moment of wavering. The enemy came in like a flood, for the lad was benumbed with sorrow, and instead of turning to the Lord for comfort he kept it to himself and nursed his grief. But he was not forsaken.

Yes, He has hubled me and shown me what I am, revealing Himself as a present, a very present help in time of trouble. And though He enables me to sing, "Yet will I rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation."... Now I am happy in my Savior's love. I can thank Him for all, even the most painful experiences of the past, and trust Him without fear for all that is to come.

-hudson taylor

the cost of discipleship

once again, the writings of c.s. lewis have brought many things into perspectives. in this case, discipleship

... The Christian way is different: harder, and easier. Christ says, "Give me All. I don't want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want You. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half-measures are any good. I don't want to cut off a branch here and a branch there. I want to have the whole tree down. I don't want to drill the tooth, or crown it, or stop it, but to have it out. Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the onces you think wicked- the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own will shall become yours."

Mere Christianity
Book IV Chapter 8

what i fear the most

more than sharks, spiders, heights, more than anything in the world, even death, i fear looking back at my life and realizing that i haven't changed at all. i always set goals before me, always trying to better myself, and seeing none of those goals met scares me. if i don't change now, will i forever be this incomplete person.

i look at those who have accomplish great things, and always wonder what in them makes them succeed. is it that they are more talented, greater motivation, or even just born into the right family with the riches to achieve anything. always a fan of the underdog, i can't be happier when i see boston, the dodgers, or even smush parker win a game or two. when i see such teams play, i assume that they win purely by heart, because they certainly don't have much talent. and it always gives me hope because all i feel i have is heart. its always nice to look out the window and see those very few flakes of hope. i even think of rudy being carried off the field after years of hoping and never giving up.

so what i'm trying to get at is that i fear that my dreams, whatever they may be, will never be realized. so should i stop dreaming? oh no. definitely not. having dreams is what makes life tolerable.

...

so i'm trying to do this whole having absolute faith in God thing. but its much harder than i had anticipated. i have so many worries and anxieties, and i can't shake any of my insecurities. when things are good, i think that i have everything under control, but now that these tiny bumps come up on the road, i've i'm not so sure about things anymore. i need to have more faith. i need to get through these times and be stronger for it.

My Redeemer Is Faithful And True - Steven Curtis Chapman

The intolerable compliment

one author that i truly admire and long to be more like is c.s. lewis, a man who was both an intellect and believer. the way he writes about God, always puts me to shame, because my relationship with God is often "I" centered, and completely ignore the indescribable almighty God. I often say, "I wish I knew how to worship God more," or even, "i wish i could trust in Him more," and c.s. lewis takes care of this problem by merely shifting the perspective, bring into light what is more important.

when we want to be something other than the thing God wants us to be, we must be wanting what, in fact, will not make us happy. Those Divine demands which sound to our natural ears most like those of a despot and least like those of a lover, in fact marshall us where we should want to go if we knew what we wanted. He demands our worship, our obedience, our prostration. Do we suppose that they can do Him any good, or fear like the chorus in Milton, that human irreverence can bring about "His glory's diminution"? A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word "darkness" on the wall of his cell. We are bidden to "put on Christ," to become like God. That is, whether we like it or not, God intends to give us what we need, not what we now think we want. Once more, we are embarrassed by the intolerable compliment, by too much love, not too little.

-Clive Staple Lewis

this passage on how we should want what God wants for us, not what we want because what we want isn't what we need nor is good for us, and how what God wants for us is only good is great. But. what i find most compelling about what lewis said is in the last sentence, that we are embarrassed not by the lack of love that God gives us, but by having too much of it. this comparison reminds me of those girls that always go for the bad guys, and no matter how shitty and selfish theses bastards are, these clueless girls have nothing but love for their men. its frustrating I know. and more importantly, its quite embarrassing. thats kind of how it is with God and us, but magnified infinitely. this thought puts me to shame, and the only outlet for my embarrassment is to fall on my knees and worship the One above.

i shall never grow up

innocence is fleeting much faster than i had ever expected. i knew that the loss of innocence was a part of life, but the depravity of the world seems to be stripping us of what is good in us much sooner that those things should be let go. it maybe be nothing, but a cellphone being a necessity for a fourth grader, or even a having a girlfriend and boyfriend at that age is just a little too much for me. i'm not being completely random, but thats what i see when i see my sister's friends. i pray to God that she won't fall into that snare. don't get me wrong, having those things isn't bad. but not for someone that young. of course children will grow and these trivial things will be just as they are, trivial. growing isn't bad. i myself wish i could grow more. its not the passing of time that bothers me, but its the passing of innocence that i fear the most. i always wondered what Holden's deal was- in Catcher in the Rye-, i didn't understand why he cared so much about innocence. maybe its because its the only thing that he had in his life that was good. sometimes i feel like innocence is the only good thing in this world, but the world is in such a damn hurry to get rid of it. what happened to i don't want to grow up, i'm a toys r us kid...

recently i drove up to santa barbara, and my friend made a mix cd with this song called "brighly wound" by eisley, and i fell into love with it as soon as the melody hit my ears. i didn't even know what those two girls were singing, but my heart was immediately drawn into to knowing that there was something special about it. i wanted what the girls were sing about. i later looked up the lyrics, and its all about waking up and not growing up and staying innocent.

but what can we do to stay pure. holden failed to do anything about himself, salinger's solution was to just let go. its hard to stop the world from spinning. all i can really do is hope for the best, listen to this song and dream about better times, and make believe a better place cause as long as i listen to this song i shall never grow up.

so i'm back now

i'm having the hardest time trying to live my life worthy of His kingdom. yes yes... i am a struggling christian who pretends to be good but really is no more pure than the guy who cheats on his wife. for the longest time, i've been wondering when i'll finally be a christian. i like to think that i haven't completed the process yet, that i have much more to go, but nonetheless be complete one day. i'm too navie and foolish to think that such a thing like faith and eternity was that easy.

so i'm supposed to pick some songs and lead worship at a debriefing tomorrow, and i'm doing a fine job preparing. i've picked out songs that i think everyone one will like, made sure that i know how to play them, and i've even thought of clever little prayers and things that i can say during the praise like yes yes lets bring him more than a song and lift your hands to the king blah blah blah. but i felt that i was missing the whole point of worship, so what do i do? i listened to matt redman's heart of worship one more time. and i just don't get it!

matty! please tell me the secret. the secret to leading worship. this paradox, being humble, yet being excellent. how do i reconcile my sinfulness with the scaredness of worship. i taint it everytime. what ground do i stand on to sing these songs, while i pretend to be moved by them. that look i have my face is nothing but me trying to muster up some genuinity. its all fake. well most of the time. i admit, there are times when i lift my hands because i just can't think of anything else to do. that is the only thing left to do when there are tears rolling down my face, when my enormous sinfulness becomes completely destroyed by His ultimate grace.

so thats what it is. this whole christian thing. i just can't fight it. not by myself at least. i feel so sinful and unworthy to lead worship, yet it is not me to decide what i do. it is God that decides that. it was nothing that i did that brought me this redeeming grace in to my life. its was Him that decided that. and now i see. its all about you... Jesus.

and so i sing i'm coming back to the heart of worship not because i'm back and always will be, but because i'm coming back for the first, second, third, forth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, nineth, tenth, eleventh, twelveth, thirteenth, fourteenth, fifteenth, sixteenth, seventeenth, eighteenth, nineteenth, twentith,

i just simply can't count anymore. it doesnt matter how many times. i can always come back.

the heart of worship may mean a lot of things, but maybe it simply means coming back when you've thought you were lost... forever.

i'll bring you more than a song.

trying this one more time

i remember i posted my first blog on blogger when i was only a sohpmore in highschool only because i wanted to feel special and grown up. after seeing most of the seniors that i looked up to post blogs, i just wanted to be like them. but with the advent of xanga, i sold blogger out as quick as a snitch sells out his enemy. posting pictures, funny meaningless posts, only appealing to the masses, trying only to please, and never writing what i really i'm really think.

i'm tired of selling out. tired of not doing what i want to do. tired of being scared of failure or even worse success.

i think it was in Coach Carter where there was that beautiful quote about being scared of what you can accomplish more than what you can do. that the power that we possess is so great that its frightening.

well that i think thats bullshit. what the hell does that mean anyways. i have yet to feel scared of success. that is the last thing i'm thinking about. i'm usually shitting my pants most of the day. afraid of every little thing that approaches me.

and to think of it. the only thing that i dont fear is God. cause i treat him like crap. backhand him, stab him in the back, lie, cheat, steal, broken promises, and taking advantage of grace that is give at a GREAT cost. greater than i can ever ever imagine. even in death and the eternity that i spend in the afterlife, i will never be able to understand what that unconditional grace cost.

when i was younger, i always thought that i would know how God felt when he gave his only son to this world to be treated like an animal. but thats just stupid.

but yea. im trying this whole blogger thing out. i really hope that i can honest here. also creative.

enjoy.